You were just putting your credit card back into your wallet after pre-ordering your very own set of these, weren't you? Thinking that, along with the Richard Hamburger gospel, the Internet wouldn't be stealing any more of your money in return for things you want for - spookily enough - the exact amount of time it takes to order them.

Then comes this. It's a replica of the BFG! Not the 30 foot nonce from the Roald Dahl book, but id Software's legendary Big Fucking Gun. At least, that's what we always assumed (and were told by others) BFG stood for. Those of an afternoon tea bent can substitute Fragging, or Bio Force at various points.

Again, you'll only be placing a pre-order for your piece of certified geekdom doom (pun not intended, though acknowledged) with a mere $79.95 securing your right to tell other people you have a replica of the best gun out of an old computer game.

PR people. We're sick of doing your jobs for you. We have to find out about this tat ourselves which means we might write mean things about it. Send us samples of this stuff. We'll show it to the three people we know in real life who'll care, then swap it on eBay for something that in truth will be remarkably similar if not in form, then in spirit at the very least.