If you're the head of an organisation that has been styled in The Times as "Britain's answer to the FBI", then you need criminals and you need to be seen to be dealing with them in a modern, nay 'cutting-edge' manner.

Bill Hughes, director general of the Serious Organised Crime Agency (Soca), has stated that "Communication is the name of the game and criminals are looking to exploit new technologies. Prisoners have rights and they have access to the internet. Some new prison guards are also being used without knowing it, but they soon become streetwise. The 5,000 people we have identified are top-level criminals."

5,000 'top-level' criminals! By gods we need SOCA!

What technology are these uber-crims using? Why PlayStations! Says Bill, "people are using PlayStations to charge their mobile phones and are playing games interactively with others so are able to communicate with them. The Prison Service is concerned that prisoners are using interactive games to talk to people outside the prison."

Only, the Prison Service isn't... a spokesman says, "Prisoners have never been allowed access to wireless enabled technology such as that used in some games consoles. Nor would they ever be allowed access to such technology. A decision was taken some years ago that the then current generation of games consoles should be barred because the capability to send or receive radio signals is an integral part of the equipment. Future games consoles with this ability will be banned. This ban applies to Xbox 360, PlayStation 3 and Nintendo DS.

"The same capability can occur with the PlayStation 2, but an additional piece of equipment is needed to send or receive such signals. No PlayStation 2 in the estate has this functionality."

Actually, if Bill had been reading SPOnG on May 30th 2007, he would also have seen this: 'PS3 Banned - No Cell Processor In Cells'.

And as for his numbers, well, outgoing chairman of SOCA, Sir Stephen Lander, says "Many of the 5,000 are not in the UK but are impacting on the UK from overseas. Some are in prison running their organisations and we are working with colleagues in the prison service."

Yes, SOCA has a director general and a chairman... and apparently zero idea about Prison Service regulations or technology. Makes the FBI looked well-prepared really.

Or maybe all the Crime Lords are using Wiis?